From Balloonaphobia to KILL THEM ALL!
A funny exercise in White House pandering
Just over a week ago, we splashed a Chinese balloon in the Atlantic Ocean after allowing it to complete it’s mission. It was clearly a probe. Was it a telemetry device? A “Here I am. Here I am. Here I am” kind of thing? Or was it a triangulation type of device? “I’m here, you’re in China and the missile silo or tactical radar is over that way. Put all that into a firing solution.”
Whatever it was, it wasn’t a good thing for the US. The important thing is the ChiComms got all their info before Joe Biden punched a hole in the balloon. In fairness to Joe, he did want to shoot it down days earlier, but was overruled by his puppet masters.
But now they’ve ordered Old Joe to swing 180 degrees to the opposite extreme. Now every time anyone spots a balloon (I’m considering releasing a big one with the P4B logo on it) NORAD goes on high alert and we expend half a million dollars on a few yards of Mylar. Why?
The Administration press flacks have provided really pathetic answers to that question. Like:
Well, the pilots are flying by at hundreds of miles per hour. They can’t get a good look at these things!
Well, okay then. How about circling the thing and taking a few snaps? I realize we’ve only had that technology since WWI, but maybe we can grow into it.
Are the pilots not incapable of this?
Well, then how about we scramble a couple helos to hover a few hundred yards away to make an assessment?
Are these real professional responses to a cascading series of threats, or are we shooting down hobby balloons for domestic news consumption?
War Room: General Pronoun here.
NORAD: This is Colonel Cynic. Our pilots have sighted the object, sir.
War Room: Colonel, this is the President. Can…
General Pronoun: [off mic] Use your call sign Mr. President.
POTUS: Oh, yeah…Ahem. Colonel, this is WINDOW LICKER. Can you assess the threat?
Cynic: Uh, Yessir. It’s a very large prank balloon. It’s pillow shaped, about 15’ across, and attached to what look like a glittery sandbag.
Pronoun: Well that doesn’t sound too bad. They’re not in an air corridor.
POTUS: NORAD, why do you say it’s a prank balloon?
Cynic: Well…uh…sir. Shit. It uh.
Pronoun: C’mon. Out with it, man!
Cynic: It has writing on one side. It says FJB.
POTUS: Splash the bogey! Kill the goddamn…
Pronoun: WAIT ONE, NORAD! [off mic] Mr. President, They’re over a populated area. You don’t want to drop it there. Besides, there’s no water there. It won’t actually, ya know, make a good splash.
NORAD: This is Cynic. There appears to be some writing on the other side as well. Pilot reports “Go Navy. Beat Army. Pronoun sucks ass.” We now believe balloon originated out of CINCPAC Op Area. Pretty funny, if you think about it.
Pronoun: NORAD, you have weapons free! TAKE OUT THE TARGET IMMEDIATELY…
POTUS: But you said…
Pronoun: Shut up, WINDOW LICKER! NORAD, ELIMINATE THE THREAT, NOW!
POTUS: Don’t go all Corn Pop on me, pal. I take length of, uh…chain and I’ll…uh…ya know…the thing.
Pronoun: Just eat your ice cream cone.
POTUS: Hee-hee-yeah. Rocky Road. Uhmmmmm.
Seriously, can we NOT figure out the differences between a hobby balloon tied to a shoe box, a 40’ weather balloon tethered to a slightly larger device or a 200’ monster tied to a major intelligence package?
My guess is this: With our government’s penchant for LYING and the fact that real Public Relations professionals go to work in the private sector, this is just a nakedly imbecilic series of PR stunts to make up for assisting China’s intelligence efforts in recent weeks.
And you voted for them. I mean…if you can believe the election returns.
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